Feel Heard: Discover Alternatives to ‘Calm Down’ that Inspire Trust!

We’ve all heard it — or said it — at one point or another:
“Calm down.”
It slips out when tensions run high, voices rise, or emotions spill over. And while it might seem like a logical suggestion, it almost always backfires.

The truth is, never in the history of needing to calm down has anyone actually calmed down by being told to do so. If anything, the phrase tends to escalate the situation. But why?

Why “Calm Down” Doesn’t Help

Telling someone to “calm down” may seem like a helpful reminder, but it often lands as dismissive or condescending. When someone is angry, anxious, or upset, they’re not just looking for a fix — they’re seeking validation, safety, and understanding.

Emotionally charged moments are not logical — they’re biological. The brain’s fight-or-flight response is activated, and unless that energy is acknowledged and supported, it will fight harder to be heard.

So Why Do We Still Say It?

Simple: It’s a reflex.
When we feel overwhelmed by another person’s emotions, we instinctively want to minimize the moment so we can move on. “Calm down” is often less about helping the other person and more about…